Bob: A Short Story in 3 Acts.

Scene: Room 14. Everybody who goes into room 14 either dies, or is crazy. It is set down a darker corridor, far away from the nurses’ station. Because of course it is.

Characters:

1. Bob, a patient. Bob is completely capable of being independent, but doesn’t like to be independent. Bob has only showered once in the 15 days he’s been in hospital. He is greasy, stained, and has a visible galaxy of flakey skin, old food, and miscellaneous dirt orbiting gently around him. Bob is neither homeless, nor poor, nor acopic. Bob is a troglodyte, so when necessary his thoughts will be translated from grunts into Basic English.

2. Wurse, RN. Also visibly greasy and stained, unfortunately. Currently running on 4 hours of sleep and 7 cups of coffee. Is well over Bob. Well trained in clinical skills. Did not sign up for this crap.

ACT 1

Bob’s buzzer goes off. Room 14 is the only room where the call light above the door glows a bright and ominous orange rather than standard yellow. Bob likes to sit on his bed, opposite the door, so that he can always see the nurses walking by. Bob refuses to have his door or curtains pulled.

Wurse walks into room and sees Bob. Bob is in his favourite position, sitting on the bed with his legs splayed and his gown wide open. Bob doesn’t believe in underclothes.

Wurse: Hi, Bob. I’m going to need you to pull your gown shut when you have your door open.

Bob makes no move to close gown,

Bob: I want to have a shower. I need a nurse to help me.

Wurse: …Why?

Bob: I’m gonna need her in there with me…the whole time.

Wurse: Okay. I will send in Richard, the AIN, to help you with that.

Bob: …

ACT 2

Wurse: Hi, Bob. What’s the matter?

Bob (loudly): A nurse came in here and said she’d be back and that was twelve hours ago and she never came back. So that’s what you call patient care here.

Wurse: …What was it that you needed?

Bob: It doesn’t matter since nobody here care about me or does anything to help me at ALL and everybody is a liar. The pharmacist said he’d be back hours ago but he just lied and also he forgot about me. Call that doing a good job? Also my two doctors both said they’d come talk to me and they haven’t because they’re avoiding me.¹

Wurse: Okay. By the way, I see you haven’t finished drinking your very important medicines [which I gave you six hours ago], is there any particular reason you haven’t taken them?

Bob (shouting): YES, I HAVE A VERY SMALL GULLET AND I’VE TOLD YOU ALL THAT MANY TIMES. None of you have any consideration for me. You are very rude² and you’re also a masochist.

Wurse: …mmmkay. I’m…sorry you feel that way.³

ACT 3

Wurse: Bob.

Bob:

Bob: (gestures to cup of hot liquid on lunch tray): While you’re here⁴, I’m gonna need you to taste test this for me.

Wurse: I beg your pardon, what?

Bob: I need you to taste it and tell me….if it’s coffee.

Wurse: Did you…smell it?

Bob: It smells like…coffee.

Wurse:

Wurse: Yep I’m not gonna taste that, Bob.* (leaves room)

Finis.¹ This is an accurate assessment, as it happens. The two interns are currently hiding in the nurses’ station. I don’t blame them, but I am literally suffering more because you won’t come and see Bob. Suck it up, princesses. Go team. Also it’s your job.

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² True. But only ever on the inside.

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³ Narrator: she is not, in fact, in any way sorry that he feels this way.

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⁴ While I’m here? While I’m here? I’m here because you buzzed. I need you to understand that I in no way happened to come here for a social visit. There is no serendipity involved in this meeting whatsoever. Just to be clear.

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* I’m not even mad I just wanna know what was in the “coffee”. Rohipnol? Urine? I can’t even guess. And…I mean…yep. Wot fun.